


no social network

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Asian American Verse, Gen, Terrible No Good Very Bad Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 00:32:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kagami Taiga regrets the day he ever accepted Tatsuya's friend request on Facebook.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no social network

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this image](http://25.media.tumblr.com/ff6f9d64f8805fff409a41b05797a5ab/tumblr_mfcwuyqYUc1s0atyro1_500.png) describing Himuro as "LA homo." I apologize for my bad humor. Italicized speech/dialogue/what have you is English.

Every time he logs onto Facebook, Taiga immediately remembers why he doesn’t log onto Facebook anymore.

On top of Tatsuya’s Facebook profile is the most garish cover photo that he’s ever graced his eyes upon. A photo of Tatsuya holding a donut has been Photoshopped onto the Capitol Records Tower; he’s sitting on its rooftop with the caption “LA homo” in rainbow Comic Sans across his crotch. Taiga doesn’t know if he should be laughing or crying--maybe he should be doing both and that’s exactly why Tatsuya texted him in the middle of the night to tell him to get on Facebook.

“ _u probably have at least 50 notifs waiting 4 u_ ,” the text says. What Tatsuya failed to mention was that most of those notifications were from him.

Dec 14  
 _haha is ur wall dead_

Jan 3  
 _get on fb taiga_

Mar 24  
 _its rude to ignore ppl_

April 6  
 _click on this coupon for a $500 best buy gift card now!!!!! i didnt think it would work but it totally did!!! bit.ly649_

May 17  
 _watch this video its ur fave i remember how much u like dogs_

June 29  
 _omg i miss pho do u miss pho_

July 4  
 _i always expect someone to wave a us flag around_  
 _i remember the time i talked you into setting off firecrackers in alexs yard_  
 _good times_

Aug 2  
 _happy bday wow ur getting old now haha_

Sifting through the comments is a lot like a chore, but he can’t deny that he’s a little satisfied to know that people did miss him in his long absence. That is, he _was_ satisfied until he opened his inbox. Out come a flurry of messages sent from Tatsuya’s phone at all odd hours of the night:

_i think we should visit disneyland tokyo_  
 _nvm i heard it sux_  
 _no we should still go_

_are u even on this thing_  
 _dont tell me u got a tumblr or something_  
 _gimme a link i wanna see if u reblog sad hipster quotes_

_taiga swear to me ull never drink super blue_  
 _that shit is vile_

No matter what tabs he opens and closes, Taiga can’t help but come back to the same place that he started: Tatsuya’s fucking cover photo. Dragging a hand down his face, Taiga flips to Tatsuya’s contact page and gives him a call. The dial tone rings twice before he hears Tatsuya pick up.

“Good evening, Kagami-kun,” he says, like it isn’t 2 in the morning.

“ _Are you, uh...is this really your cover photo?_ ” Taiga feels like he should have prepared something better to say to Tatsuya, but even if he had taken the time to think about it, what does one even say to a picture like _that_.

“ _Oh, don’t worry, tiger, my mom already knows,_ ” Tatsuya explains. None of that actually stops the rising sensation of horror within Taiga, but he didn’t really think Tatsuya would get it in the first place.

“ _That wasn’t my concern here,_ ” he mutters low under his breath.

There’s silence on the other end of the line and Taiga wonders if he said the wrong thing. He remembers this being a lot easier when he was twelve.

“ _Besides, are you saying that you aren’t standing in solidarity with me?_ ” Tatsuya finally asks.

Taiga chokes, then, because there is _no way_ he is going to let Tatsuya make him a part of his terrible Photoshop decisions. 

“ _There’s a difference between solidarity and putting yourself on Facebook like that!_ ” Taiga snaps, staring really hard at the photo still. He’s hoping that if he stares long enough, it will have all been a big mistake and that he was having another burger-induced nightmare like Kuroko always says.

“My one and only sworn brother hath betrayed me,” Tatsuya says sadly before reciting something from what Taiga thinks is Hamlet--he can’t really tell, especially not when Tatsuya starts reciting in archaic speech. 

“Okay, okay! I’m standing in...” He has to pause for a moment, think hard about how to phrase this. When he can’t remember, he gives up altogether. “ _I’m standing in solidarity,_ ” he says through gritted teeth.

He can practically feel the way Tatsuya beams on the other end, triumphant and pleased. There’s nothing more that he’d like to do than give him a well-deserved punch, but unfortunately Tatsuya’s in Akita and Taiga is all the way down in Tokyo. He hopes that he’ll remember the next time he sees him.

“ _I knew you wouldn’t let me down, tiger._ ” He sounds like the cat that got the cream, and Taiga wonders if he should be afraid.

“Tatsuya,” he starts, trying to warn him against doing something horrifying, but all he gets in return is a quick “ _Good night, brother dearest!_ ” before he hangs up.

Taiga stares at his phone for a long time. He decides that anything worth worrying about can wait until the sun is up and it ceases to be 2 AM. Turning off the monitor, he falls into bed, praying that Tatsuya doesn’t bombard his phone with text messages about heteronormativity and cat videos. He knew he should have burned more incense when he last went to the temple, but he was running short on cash, and he _did_ leave an apple at the altar. How greedy could a bunch of ancestors get? He ponders giving them better fruit the next time as he falls asleep.

It’s noon when Taiga finally wakes up. When there are no texts from Tatsuya, he let himself breathe a sigh of relief. Turning on the computer, he goes through his customary routine: checking his email, checking the statements in his bank account, making sure the world hasn’t ended overnight with a quick browse of the newsfeed. It seems that all is well and he was just being paranoid after all. Stretching, Taiga goes to change for his morning run.

Only when he laces up his shoes does he think to check his Facebook feed. It’s not like he’s _inherently_ suspicious of Tatsuya, but he also doesn’t think Tatsuya has the same idea of what it means to be horrifying as he does.

“ _Next time I’m burning like 50 sticks of incense at the temple,_ ” he mutters as his profile loads. When there’s nothing on his wall, he squints. It takes about thirty seconds for him to realize exactly what Tatsuya was thinking. He growls, “ _Fuckin’ Tatsuya_ ” before searching for his page.

What he finds is an edited version of his cover photo on top of Tatsuya’s profile, complete with his own face Photoshopped onto the donut. The new caption reads: “LA homos represent.”

He swears to never log onto Facebook again.

\----

\---

-


End file.
